SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for.–
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say–but that’s neither here nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present—-
CRABTREE. Oh! they–brought him home and He is now in the House, tho’ the Servants are order’d to deny it—-
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so–and Lady Teazle–I suppose attending him—-
CRABTREE. Yes yes–and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me—-
SIR BENJAMIN. Hey–who comes here—-
CRABTREE. Oh, this is He–the Physician depend on’t.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall know—-
CRABTREE. Well, Doctor–what Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how’s your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn’t it a wound with a small sword—-
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax–for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor!–a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the Thorax!–oon’s are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter’s then I presume–but, sir, you must have heard of this accident–
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro’ the Body—-
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast—-
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface—-
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts–however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is the most imprudent man alive–For here he comes walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
Odd’s heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. ‘Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword through your Body, and a Bullet lodg’d in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet–
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill’d you without Law or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not true–and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. So–so–all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho’, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho’ Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he’s very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma’am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. ‘Tis no Uncommon Case, that’s one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,– I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of you we can.
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter–
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking–do I ever pass a Day without my Vexations?
SIR OLIVER. Well I’m not Inquisitive–I come only to tell you, that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!
ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver–is convinced that your judgment was right Sir Peter.
SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He’s a man of Sentiment.
SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
SIR OLIVER. Oh, He’s a model for the young men of the age! But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t Join us in your Friend Joseph’s Praise as I expected.
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter–who were never mistaken in your Life?
SIR PETER. Pshaw–Plague on you both–I see by your sneering you have heard–the whole affair–I shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter–we are indeed acquainted with it all–I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you–
SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?
SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!
SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen–hey[?]
SIR OLIVER. Yes yes–and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. ‘Twas very pleasant!
SIR OLIVER. I never laugh’d more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!
ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles–to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining to be sure–
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face when the screen was thrown down–ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I must never show my head again!
SIR OLIVER. But come–come it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither my old Friend–tho’ upon my soul I can’t help it–
SIR PETER. O pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all–I laugh at the whole affair myself–Yes–yes– I think being a standing Jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation–O yes–and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about Mr. S—-, Lady T—-, and Sir P—-, will be so entertaining!– I shall certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!
ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of Fools–but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room–I am sure you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you– well I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s–where I am now returning– if not to reclaim a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.
SIR PETER. Ah! I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.
SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot that you all live so near one another! [Exit SIR OLIVER.]
SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley–
ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you perceive.–see she is in Tears–!
SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.–how dejected she appears–
ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her–
SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife–don’t you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.
ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you–
SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think–you remember Rowley the Letter I found of her’s–evidently intended for Charles?
ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter–laid in your way on Purpose– this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on–
SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that–She looks this way—-what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I’ll go to her–
SIR PETER. Tho’ when it is known that we are reconciled, People will laugh at me ten times more!
ROWLEY. Let–them laugh–and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it.
SIR PETER. Efaith so I will–and, if I’m not mistaken we may yet be the happiest couple in the country–
ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter–He who once lays aside suspicion—-
SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley–if you have any Regard for me– never let me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM to serve me the rest of my Life. [Exeunt.]
LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA? the thought is Distraction to me!
SURFACE. Can Passion–furnish a Remedy?
LADY SNEERWELL. No–nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot– to league with such a Blunderer!
SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer–yet you see I bear the accident with Calmness.
LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn’t reached your HEART–your interest only attached you to Maria–had you felt for her–what I have for that ungrateful Libertine–neither your Temper nor Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.
SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this Disappointment?
LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.–had you not a sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting your Brother–I hate such an avarice of crimes–’tis an unfair monopoly and never prospers.
SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame–I confess I deviated from the direct Road of wrong but I don’t think we’re so totally defeated neither.
SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met– and that you still believe him faithful to us–
LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.
SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary–to swear and prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to your Ladyship–which some of his former letters to you will serve to support–
LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted–
SURFACE. Come–come it is not too late yet–but hark! this is probably my Unkle Sir Oliver–retire to that Room–we’ll consult further when He’s gone.–
LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to–
SURFACE. O I have no fear of that–Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit sake–and you may depend on’t I shall soon Discover Sir Oliver’s weak side!–
LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities–only be constant to one roguery at a time–
[Exit.]
SURFACE. I will–I will–So ’tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil–well at all events my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly–hey–what!–this is not Sir Oliver–but old Stanley again!–Plague on’t that He should return to teaze me just now– I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here–and—-
Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley–why have you come back to plague me at this time? you must not stay now upon my word!
SIR OLIVER. Sir–I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here– and tho’ He has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what He’ll do for me–
SURFACE. Sir! ’tis impossible for you to stay now–so I must beg—-come any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.
SIR OLIVER. No–Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted–
SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the– Room directly–
SURFACE. Sir–I insist on’t–here William show this Gentleman out. Since you compel me Sir–not one moment–this is such insolence. [Going to push him out.]
CHARLES. Heyday! what’s the matter now?–what the Devil have you got hold of my little Broker here! Zounds–Brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter–my little Fellow?
SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He–
CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, ’tis as honest a little—- But sure Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?
SURFACE. Borrowing–no!–But, Brother–you know sure we expect Sir Oliver every—-
CHARLES. O Gad, that’s true–Noll mustn’t find the little Broker here to be sure–
SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists—-
CHARLES. Stanley–why his name’s Premium–
SURFACE. Well no matter which–but—-
CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing as you say–for I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B’s at the Coffee-House. [Knock.]
SURFACE. ‘Sdeath–here’s Sir Oliver at the Door—-Now I beg– Mr. Stanley—-
CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium—-
SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go–
CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly—-
CHARLES. Out with him to be sure.
[Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]
Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!–hey! what in the name of wonder!–Here are dutiful Nephews!–assault their Unkle at his first Visit!
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver ’twas well we came in to rescue you.
ROWLEY. Truly it was–for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old Stanley was no Protection to you.
SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either–the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for.
SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter–my Friend and Rowley too–look on that elder Nephew of mine–You know what He has already received from my Bounty and you know also how gladly I would have look’d on half my Fortune as held in trust for him–judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of Truth–Charity–and Gratitude–
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver–I should be more surprized at this Declaration, if I had not myself found him to be selfish– treacherous and Hypocritical.
LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let him call ME to his Character.
SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more–if He knows himself He will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the world–
CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty–what will they say to ME by and bye!
SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal–his Brother there—-
CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn–the damn’d Family Pictures will ruin me–
SURFACE. Sir Oliver–Unkle–will you honour me with a hearing–
CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I might recollect myself a little–
SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself entirely–
SIR OLIVER. Nay–if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to be justified–you have even less principle than I thought you had.–[To CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir–and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I suppose–
CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the secret I presume.
CHARLES. True–Sir–but they were Family Secrets, and should not be mentioned again you know.
ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles’s Follies with anger.
SIR OLIVER. Odd’s heart no more I can–nor with gravity either– Sir Peter do you know the Rogue bargain’d with me for all his Ancestors–sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as cheap as broken China!
CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the Family Canvas that’s the truth on’t:–my Ancestors may certainly rise in judgment against me there’s no denying it–but believe me sincere when I tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not–that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor.
SIR OLIVER. Charles–I believe you–give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.
CHARLES. Then Sir–my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.
LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.
SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there–and, with the young Lady’s Pardon if I construe right that Blush—-
SIR PETER. Well–Child–speak your sentiments–you know–we are going to be reconciled to Charles–
MARIA. Sir–I have little to say–but that I shall rejoice to hear that He is happy–For me–whatever claim I had to his Affection– I willing resign to one who has a better title.
SIR PETER. Heyday–what’s the mystery now? while he appeared an incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that He’s likely to reform I’ll warrant You won’t have him!
MARIA. His own Heart–and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern–I am obliged to speak on this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me– and Lady Sneerwell’s injuries can no longer–be concealed– [Goes to the Door.]
SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room in the House I suppose–
LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.
CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I don’t understand it.
SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more necessary to make it extremely clear.
SIR PETER. And that Person–I imagine, is Mr. Snake–Rowley–you were perfectly right to bring him with us–and pray let him appear.
I thought his Testimony might be wanted–however it happens unluckily that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her–
LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!–Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow, have you too conspired against me?
SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship–ten thousand Pardons–you paid me extremely Liberally for the Lie in question–but I unfortunately have been offer’d double to speak the Truth.
LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!
LADY TEAZLE. Hold–Lady Sneerwell–before you go let me thank you for the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me to Charles and answering them yourself–and let me also request you to make my Respects to the Scandalous College–of which you are President–and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her–as she leaves of[f] Practice and kills Characters no longer.
LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking–insolent!–may your Husband live these fifty years!
[Exit.]
LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!
SIR PETER. Hey–not for her last wish?–
SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?
SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that I know not what to say—-however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her directly.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.–Oil and Vinegar egad:–you’ll do very well together.
ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present–
SNAKE. Before I go–I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
SIR PETER. Well–well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last–
SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known–
SIR PETER. Hey!–what the Plague–are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life?
SNAKE. Ah: Sir–consider I live by the Badness of my Character!– I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!–and, if it were once known that I had been betray’d into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Well–well we’ll not traduce you by saying anything to your Praise never fear.
[Exit SNAKE.]
SIR PETER. There’s a precious Rogue–Yet that fellow is a Writer and a Critic.
LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your Nephew and Maria–
SIR OLIVER. Aye–aye–that’s as it should be and egad we’ll have the wedding to-morrow morning–
CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
SIR PETER. What! you rogue don’t you ask the Girl’s consent first–
CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time–above a minute ago– nd She has look’d yes–
MARIA. For Shame–Charles–I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a word—-
SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better–may your love for each other never know–abatement.
SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I–intend to do–
CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend–I am sure you congratulate me and I suspect too that I owe you much.
SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles–
ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been in my debt for the attempt–but deserve to be happy–and you over-repay me.
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I’ll make no promises– and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it– But here shall be my Monitor–my gentle Guide.–ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho’ thou, dear Maid, should’st wave [waive] thy Beauty’s Sway, –Thou still must Rule–because I will obey: An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
No sanctuary near but Love and YOU: You can indeed each anxious Fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]
I, who was late so volatile and gay,
Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way, Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows, To one dull rusty weathercock–my spouse! So wills our virtuous bard–the motley Bayes Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, Learn from our play to regulate your lives: Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her– London will prove the very source of honour. Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, When principles relax, to brace the nerves: Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
That the gay dream of dissipation’s o’er. And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
Born with a genius for the highest life, Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
Like me condemn’d to such a dismal doom? Save money–when I just knew how to waste it! Leave London–just as I began to taste it! Must I then watch the early crowing cock, The melancholy ticking of a clock;
In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded? With humble curate can I now retire,
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,) And at backgammon mortify my soul,
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole? Seven’s the main! Dear sound that must expire, Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire; The transient hour of fashion too soon spent, Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content! Farewell the plumed head, the cushion’d tete, That takes the cushion from its proper seat! That spirit-stirring drum!–card drums I mean, Spadille–odd trick–pam–basto–king and queen! And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, The welcome visitors’ approach denote;
Farewell all quality of high renown, Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town! Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And Lady Teazle’s occupation’s o’er!
All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said ’twas clear, I ought to play deep tragedy next year.
Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn periods stalk’d away:— “Bless’d were the fair like you; her faults who stopp’d, And closed her follies when the curtain dropp’d! No more in vice or error to engage,
Or play the fool at large on life’s great stage.”
<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick’s PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser Rae’s text.
<2> From Sheridan’s manuscript.
<3> The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:
SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded on some ridiculous misrepresentation–Mrs. Candour you remember how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one Summer at Tunbridge.
MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.
CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.
SIR P. Why madam–[The story follows.]
SIR P. Matter of Fact I assure you….
LADY T. As sure as can be–Sir Peter will grow scandalous himself–if you encourage him to tell stories. [Fraser Rae’s footnote–Ed.]
<4> The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript of the play. [Fraser Rae’s footnote.–Ed.]
<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing. [Fraser Rae’s footnote.–Ed.]