Part 2 out of 2
Ile in, Ile in: Follow your friends counsell, Ile in
M.Page. What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters,
Fal. I loue thee, helpe mee away: let me creepe in
heere: ile neuer -
M.Page. Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call
your men (Mist[ris]. Ford.) You dissembling Knight
M.Ford. What Iohn, Robert, Iohn; Go, take vp these
cloathes heere, quickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look
how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet
mead: quickly, come
Ford. 'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause,
Why then make sport at me, then let me be your iest,
I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?
Ser. To the Landresse forsooth?
M.Ford. Why, what haue you to doe whether they
beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing
Ford. Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of y Buck:
Bucke, bucke, bucke, I bucke: I warrant you Bucke,
And of the season too; it shall appeare.
Gentlemen, I haue dream'd to night, Ile tell you my
dreame: heere, heere, heere bee my keyes, ascend my
Chambers, search, seeke, finde out: Ile warrant wee'le
vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: so, now
Page. Good master Ford, be contented:
You wrong your selfe too much
Ford. True (master Page) vp Gentlemen,
You shall see sport anon:
Follow me Gentlemen
Euans. This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies
Caius. By gar, 'tis no-the fashion of France:
It is not iealous in France
Page. Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of
Mist.Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mist.Ford. I know not which pleases me better,
That my husband is deceiued, or Sir Iohn
Mist.Page. What a taking was hee in, when your
husband askt who was in the basket?
Mist.Ford. I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of
washing: so throwing him into the water, will doe him
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all
of the same straine, were in the same distresse
Mist.Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall
suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so
grosse in his iealousie till now
Mist.Page. I will lay a plot to try that, and wee will
yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease
will scarse obey this medicine
Mis.Ford. Shall we send that foolishion Carion, Mist[ris].
Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
and giue him another hope, to betray him to another
Mist.Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow
eight a clocke to haue amends
Ford. I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd
of that he could not compasse
Mis.Page. Heard you that?
Mis.Ford. You vse me well, M[aster]. Ford? Do you?
Ford. I, I do so
M.Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoghts
Mi.Page. You do your selfe mighty wrong (M[aster]. Ford)
Ford. I, I: I must beare it
Eu. If there be any pody in the house, & in the chambers,
and in the coffers, and in the presses: heauen forgiue
my sins at the day of iudgement
Caius. Be gar, nor I too: there is no-bodies
Page. Fy, fy, M[aster]. Ford, are you not asham'd? What spirit,
what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha
your distemper in this kind, for y welth of Windsor castle
Ford. 'Tis my fault (M[aster]. Page) I suffer for it
Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among fiue thousand,
and fiue hundred too
Cai. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman
Ford. Well, I promisd you a dinner: come, come, walk
in the Parke, I pray you pardon me: I wil hereafter make
knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wife, come
Mi[stris]. Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me
Page. Let's go in Gentlemen, but (trust me) we'l mock
him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after we'll a Birding together, I haue a fine
Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:
Ford. Any thing
Eu. If there is one, I shall make two in the Companie
Ca. If there be one, or two, I shall make-a-theturd
Ford. Pray you go, M[aster]. Page
Eua. I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the
lowsie knaue, mine Host
Cai. Dat is good by gar, withall my heart
Eua. A lowsie knaue, to haue his gibes, and his mockeries.
Enter Fenton, Anne, Page, Shallow, Slender, Quickly, Page,
Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue,
Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.)
Anne. Alas, how then?
Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe.
He doth obiect, I am too great of birth,
And that my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth.
Besides these, other barres he layes before me,
My Riots past, my wilde Societies,
And tels me 'tis a thing impossible
I should loue thee, but as a property
An. May be he tels you true.
No, heauen so speed me in my time to come,
Albeit I will confesse, thy Fathers wealth
Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:)
Yet wooing thee, I found thee of more valew
Then stampes in Gold, or summes in sealed bagges:
And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe,
That now I ayme at
An. Gentle M[aster]. Fenton,
Yet seeke my Fathers loue, still seeke it sir,
If opportunity and humblest suite
Cannot attaine it, why then harke you hither
Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly.
My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe
Slen. Ile make a shaft or a bolt on't, slid, tis but venturing
Shal. Be not dismaid
Slen. No, she shall not dismay me:
I care not for that, but that I am affeard
Qui. Hark ye, M[aster]. Slender would speak a word with you
An. I come to him. This is my Fathers choice:
O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults
Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?
Qui. And how do's good Master Fenton?
Pray you a word with you
Shal. Shee's comming; to her Coz:
O boy, thou hadst a father
Slen. I had a father (M[istris]. An) my vncle can tel you good
iests of him: pray you Vncle, tel Mist[ris]. Anne the iest how
my Father stole two Geese out of a Pen, good Vnckle
Shal. Mistris Anne, my Cozen loues you
Slen. I that I do, as well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire
Shal. He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman
Slen. I that I will, come cut and long-taile, vnder the
degree of a Squire
Shal. He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds
Anne. Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe
Shal. Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for
that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you
Anne. Now Master Slender
Slen. Now good Mistris Anne
Anne. What is your will?
Slen. My will? Odd's-hartlings, that's a prettie
iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:)
I am not such a sickely creature, I giue Heauen
Anne. I meane (M[aster]. Slender) what wold you with me?
Slen. Truely, for mine owne part, I would little or
nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made
motions: if it be my lucke, so; if not, happy man bee his
dole, they can tell you how things go, better then I can:
you may aske your father, heere he comes
Page. Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne.
Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here?
You wrong me Sir, thus still to haunt my house.
I told you Sir, my daughter is disposd of
Fen. Nay Mr Page, be not impatient
Mist.Page. Good M[aster]. Fenton, come not to my child
Page. She is no match for you
Fen. Sir, will you heare me?
Page. No, good M[aster]. Fenton.
Come M[aster]. Shallow: Come sonne Slender, in;
Knowing my minde, you wrong me (M[aster]. Fenton.)
Qui. Speake to Mistris Page
Fen. Good Mist[ris]. Page, for that I loue your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checkes, rebukes, and manners,
I must aduance the colours of my loue,
And not retire. Let me haue your good will
An. Good mother, do not marry me to yond foole
Mist.Page. I meane it not, I seeke you a better husband
Qui. That's my master, M[aster]. Doctor
An. Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth,
And bowl'd to death with Turnips
Mist.Page. Come, trouble not your selfe good M[aster].
Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loues you,
And as I finde her, so am I affected:
Till then, farewell Sir, she must needs go in,
Her father will be angry
Fen. Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan
Qui. This is my doing now: Nay, saide I, will you
cast away your childe on a Foole, and a Physitian:
Looke on M[aster]. Fenton, this is my doing
Fen. I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night,
Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines
Qui. Now heauen send thee good fortune, a kinde
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water
for such a kinde heart. But yet, I would my Maister
had Mistris Anne, or I would M[aster]. Slender had her: or (in
sooth) I would M[aster]. Fenton had her; I will do what I can
for them all three, for so I haue promisd, and Ile bee as
good as my word, but speciously for M[aster]. Fenton. Well, I
must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two
Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.
Enter Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Quickly, Ford.
Fal. Bardolfe I say
Bar. Heere Sir
Fal. Go, fetch me a quart of Sacke, put a tost in't.
Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of
butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel,
if I be seru'd such another tricke, Ile haue my braines
'tane out and butter'd, and giue them to a dogge for a
New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer
with as little remorse, as they would haue drown'de a
blinde bitches Puppies, fifteene i'th litter: and you may
know by my size, that I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking:
if the bottome were as deepe as hell, I shold down.
I had beene drown'd, but that the shore was sheluy and
shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a
man; and what a thing should I haue beene, when I
had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of
Bar. Here's M[istris]. Quickly Sir to speake with you
Fal. Come, let me poure in some Sack to the Thames
water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snowbals,
for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in
Bar. Come in woman
Qui. By your leaue: I cry you mercy?
Giue your worship good morrow
Fal. Take away these Challices:
Go, brew me a pottle of Sacke finely
Bard. With Egges, Sir?
Fal. Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my
brewage. How now?
Qui. Marry Sir, I come to your worship from M[istris]. Ford
Fal. Mist[ris]. Ford? I haue had Ford enough: I was thrown
into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford
Qui. Alas the day, (good-heart) that was not her
fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke
Fal. So did I mine, to build vpon a foolish Womans promise
Qui. Well, she laments Sir for it, that it would yern
your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a
birding; she desires you once more to come to her, betweene
eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely,
she'll make you amends I warrant you
Fal. Well, I will visit her, tell her so: and bidde her
thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailety, and
then iudge of my merit
Qui. I will tell her
Fal. Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou?
Qui. Eight and nine Sir
Fal. Well, be gone: I will not misse her
Qui. Peace be with you Sir
Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Mr Broome: he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well.
Oh, heere he comes
Ford. Blesse you Sir
Fal. Now M[aster]. Broome, you come to know
What hath past betweene me, and Fords wife
Ford. That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse
Fal. M[aster]. Broome I will not lye to you,
I was at her house the houre she appointed me
Ford. And sped you Sir?
Fal. Very ill-fauouredly M[aster]. Broome
Ford. How so sir, did she change her determination?
Fal. No (M[aster]. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband
(M[aster]. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie,
coms me in the instant of our encounter, after we had
embrast, kist, protested, & (as it were) spoke the prologue
of our Comedy: and at his heeles, a rabble of his companions,
thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper,
and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue
Ford. What? While you were there?
Fal. While I was there
For. And did he search for you, & could not find you?
Fal. You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it,
comes in one Mist[ris]. Page, giues intelligence of Fords approch:
and in her inuention, and Fords wiues distraction,
they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket
Ford. A Buck-basket?
Fal. Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule
Shirts and Smockes, Socks, foule Stockings, greasie
Napkins, that (Master Broome) there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell, that euer offended nostrill
Ford. And how long lay you there?
Fal. Nay, you shall heare (Master Broome) what I
haue sufferd, to bring this woman to euill, for your
good: Being thus cram'd in the Basket, a couple of
Fords knaues, his Hindes, were cald forth by their Mistris,
to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to
Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met
the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who
ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket?
I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue
would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should
be a Cuckold) held his hand: well, on went hee, for
a search, and away went I for foule Cloathes: But
marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs
of three seuerall deaths: First, an intollerable fright,
to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather:
Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference
of a Pecke, hilt to point, heele to head. And
then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking
Cloathes, that fretted in their owne grease:
thinke of that, a man of my Kidney; thinke of that,
that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall
dissolution, and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I
was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish)
to be throwne into the Thames, and
coold, glowing-hot, in that serge like a Horse-shoo;
thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master
Ford. In good sadnesse Sir, I am sorry, that for my sake
you haue sufferd all this.
My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no
Fal. Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna,
as I haue beene into Thames, ere I will leaue her thus;
her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I
haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting:
'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master
Ford. 'Tis past eight already Sir
Fal. Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment:
Come to mee at your conuenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you
shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broome, you shall
Ford. Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame?
doe I sleepe? Master Ford awake, awake Master Ford:
ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this
'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnen, and Buckbaskets:
Well, I will proclaime my selfe what I am:
I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee
cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot
creepe into a halfe-penny purse, nor into a PepperBoxe:
But least the Diuell that guides him, should
aide him, I will search impossible places: though
what I am, I cannot auoide; yet to be what I would
not, shall not make me tame: If I haue hornes, to make
one mad, let the prouerbe goe with me, Ile be hornemad.
Actus Quartus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Mistris Page, Quickly, William, Euans.
Mist.Pag. Is he at M[aster]. Fords already think'st thou?
Qui. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but
truely he is very couragious mad, about his throwing
into the water. Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely
Mist.Pag. Ile be with her by and by: Ile but bring
my yong-man here to Schoole: looke where his Master
comes; 'tis a playing day I see: how now Sir Hugh, no
Schoole to day?
Eua. No: Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play
Qui 'Blessing of his heart
Mist.Pag. Sir Hugh, my husband saies my sonne profits
nothing in the world at his Booke: I pray you aske
him some questions in his Accidence
Eu. Come hither William; hold vp your head; come
Mist.Pag. Come-on Sirha; hold vp your head; answere
your Master, be not afraid
Eua. William, how many Numbers is in Nownes?
Qui. Truely, I thought there had bin one Number
more, because they say od's-Nownes
Eua. Peace, your tatlings. What is (Faire) William?
Qu. Powlcats? there are fairer things then Powlcats,
Eua. You are a very simplicity o'man: I pray you
peace. What is (Lapis) William?
Will. A Stone
Eua. And what is a Stone (William?)
Will. A Peeble
Eua. No; it is Lapis: I pray you remember in your
Eua. That is a good William: what is he (William) that
do's lend Articles
Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune; and be
thus declined. Singulariter nominatiuo hic, haec, hoc
Eua. Nominatiuo hig, hag, hog: pray you marke: genitiuo
huius: Well: what is your Accusatiue-case?
Will. Accusatiuo hinc
Eua. I pray you haue your remembrance (childe) Accusatiuo
hing, hang, hog
Qu. Hang-hog, is latten for Bacon, I warrant you
Eua. Leaue your prables (o'man) What is the Focatiue
Will. O, Vocatiuo, O
Eua. Remember William, Focatiue, is caret
Qu. And that's a good roote
Eua. O'man, forbeare
Eua. What is your Genitiue case plurall (William?)
Will. Genitiue case?
Will. Genitiue horum, harum, horum
Qu. 'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; neuer
name her (childe) if she be a whore
Eua. For shame o'man
Qu. You doe ill to teach the childe such words: hee
teaches him to hic, and to hac; which they'll doe fast
enough of themselues, and to call horum; fie vpon you
Euans. O'man, art thou Lunatics? Hast thou no vnderstandings
for thy Cases, & the numbers of the Genders?
Thou art as foolish Christian creatures, as I would
Mi.Page. Pre'thee hold thy peace
Eu. Shew me now (William) some declensions of your
Will. Forsooth, I haue forgot
Eu. It is Qui, que, quod; if you forget your Quies,
your Ques, and your Quods, you must be preeches: Goe
your waies and play, go
M.Pag. He is a better scholler then I thought he was
Eu. He is a good sprag-memory: Farewel Mis[tris]. Page
Mis.Page. Adieu good Sir Hugh:
Get you home boy, Come we stay too long.
Enter Falstoffe, Mist.Ford, Mist.Page, Seruants, Ford, Page, Caius,
Fal. Mi[stris]. Ford, Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I professe
requitall to a haires bredth, not onely Mist[ris]. Ford,
in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
your husband now?
Mis.Ford. Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
Mis.Page. What hoa, gossip Ford: what hoa
Mis.Ford. Step into th' chamber, Sir Iohn
Mis.Page. How now (sweete heart) whose at home
besides your selfe?
Mis.Ford. Why none but mine owne people
Mis.Ford. No certainly: Speake louder
Mist.Pag. Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here
Mis.Page. Why woman, your husband is in his olde
lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tamenesse,
ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere
Mist.Ford. Why, do's he talke of him?
Mist.Page. Of none but him, and sweares he was caried
out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie
Mist.Ford. How neere is he Mistris Page?
Mist.Pag. Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon
Mist.Ford. I am vndone, the Knight is heere
Mist.Page. Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
him, away with him: Better shame, then murther
Mist.Ford. Which way should he go? How should I
bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
Fal. No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
May I not go out ere he come?
Mist.Page. Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise
you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
Fal. What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney
Mist.Ford. There they alwaies vse to discharge their
Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole
Fal. Where is it?
Mist.Ford. He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
Fal. Ile go out then
Mist.Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance,
you die Sir Iohn, vnlesse you go out disguis'd
Mist.Ford. How might we disguise him?
Mist.Page. Alas the day I know not, there is no womans
gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape
Fal. Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
rather then a mischiefe
Mist.Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford,
has a gowne aboue
Mist.Page. On my word it will serue him: shee's as
big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
too: run vp Sir Iohn
Mist.Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
I will looke some linnen for your head
Mist.Page. Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
straight: put on the gowne the while
Mist.Ford. I would my husband would meete him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
hath threatned to beate her
Mist.Page. Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards
Mist.Ford. But is my husband comming?
Mist.Page. I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence
Mist.Ford. Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
it, as they did last time
Mist.Page. Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
dresse him like the witch of Brainford
Mist.Ford. Ile first direct my men, what they
shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest Varlet,
We cannot misuse enough:
We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo,
Wiues may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not acte that often, iest, and laugh,
'Tis old, but true, Still Swine eats all the draugh
Mist.Ford. Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch
1 Ser. Come, come, take it vp
2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe
1 Ser. I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead
Ford. I, but if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what honest
cloathes you send forth to bleaching
Page. Why, this passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe
loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd
Euans. Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
Shall. Indeed M[aster]. Ford, this is not well indeed
Ford. So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford, Mistris
Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertuous
creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
Mist.Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty
Ford. Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
Page. This passes
Mist.Ford. Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone
Ford. I shall finde you anon
Eua. 'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
cloathes? Come, away
Ford. Empty the basket I say
M.Ford. Why man, why?
Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conuay'd
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
me out all the linnen
Mist.Ford. If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
Page. Heer's no man
Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
Euans. Mr Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies
Ford. Well, hee's not heere I seeke for
Page. No, nor no where else but in your braine
Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
iealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
M.Ford. What hoa (Mistris Page,) come you and
the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
Ford. Old woman? what old womans that?
M.Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford
Ford. A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th' Figure, & such
dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know nothing.
Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
downe I say
Mist.Ford. Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentlemen,
let him strike the old woman
Mist.Page. Come mother Prat, Come giue me your
Ford. Ile Prat-her: Out of my doore, you Witch,
you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you
Mist.Page. Are you not asham'd?
I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman
Mist.Ford. Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
Ford. Hang her witch
Eua. By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
a great peard vnder his muffler
Ford. Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you follow:
see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe
Page. Let's obey his humour a little further:
Mist.Page. Trust me he beate him most pittifully
Mist.Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate
him most vnpittifully, me thought
Mist.Page. Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice
Mist.Ford. What thinke you? May we with the warrant
of woman-hood, and the witnesse of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further reuenge?
M.Page. The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
waste, attempt vs againe
Mist.Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
Mist.Page. Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the ministers
Mist.Ford. Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
iest, should he not be publikely sham'd
Mist.Page. Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
I would not haue things coole.
Enter Host and Bardolfe.
Bar. Sir, the Germane desires to haue three of your
horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court,
and they are going to meet him
Host. What Duke should that be comes so secretly?
I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the
Gentlemen, they speake English?
Bar. I Sir? Ile call him to you
Host. They shall haue my horses, but Ile make them
pay: Ile sauce them, they haue had my houses a week at
commaund: I haue turn'd away my other guests, they
must come off, Ile sawce them, come.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, and Euans.
Eua. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man as euer
I did looke vpon
Page. And did he send you both these Letters at an
Mist.Page. Within a quarter of an houre
Ford. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y wilt:
I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold,
Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand
(In him that was of late an Heretike)
As firme as faith
Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well, no more:
Be not as extreme in submission, as in offence,
But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues
Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport)
Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it
Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of
Page. How? to send him word they'll meete him in
the Parke at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll neuer come
Eu. You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and
has bin greeuously peaten, as an old o'man: me-thinkes
there should be terrors in him, that he should not come:
Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'd, hee shall haue no desires
Page. So thinke I too
M.Ford. Deuise but how you'l vse him whe[n] he comes,
And let vs two deuise to bring him thether
Mis.Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne the
Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest)
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight
Walke round about an Oake, with great rag'd-hornes,
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And make milch-kine yeeld blood, and shakes a chaine
In a most hideous and dreadfull manner.
You haue heard of such a Spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed-Eld
Receiu'd, and did deliuer to our age
This tale of Herne the Hunter, for a truth
Page. Why yet there want not many that do feare
In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake:
But what of this?
Mist.Ford. Marry this is our deuise,
That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs
Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape, when you haue brought him thether,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mist.Pa. That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus:
Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne,
And three or foure more of their growth, wee'l dresse
Like Vrchins, Ouphes, and Fairies, greene and white,
With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine,
As Falstaffe, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: Vpon their sight
We two, in great amazednesse will flye:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight;
And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell,
In their so sacred pathes, he dares to tread
In shape prophane
Ford. And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed Fairies pinch him, sound,
And burne him with their Tapers
Mist.Page. The truth being knowne,
We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit,
And mocke him home to Windsor
Ford. The children must
Be practis'd well to this, or they'll neu'r doo't
Eua. I will teach the children their behauiours: and I
will be like a Iacke-an-Apes also, to burne the Knight
with my Taber
Ford. That will be excellent,
Ile go buy them vizards
Mist.Page. My Nan shall be the Queene of all the
Fairies, finely attired in a robe of white
Page. That silke will I go buy, and in that time
Shall M[aster]. Slender steale my Nan away,
And marry her at Eaton: go, send to Falstaffe straight
Ford. Nay, Ile to him againe in name of Broome,
Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come
Mist.Page. Feare not you that: Go get vs properties
And tricking for our Fayries
Euans. Let vs about it,
It is admirable pleasures, and ferry honest knaueries
Mis.Page. Go Mist[ris]. Ford,
Send quickly to Sir Iohn, to know his minde:
Ile to the Doctor, he hath my good will,
And none but he to marry with Nan Page:
That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot:
And he, my husband best of all affects:
The Doctor is well monied, and his friends
Potent at Court: he, none but he shall haue her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.
Enter Host, Simple, Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Euans, Caius, Quickly.
Host. What wouldst thou haue? (Boore) what? (thick
skin) speake, breathe, discusse: breefe, short, quicke,
Simp. Marry Sir, I come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe
from M[aster]. Slender
Host. There's his Chamber, his House, his Castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigall, fresh and new: go, knock
and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto
thee: Knocke I say
Simp. There's an olde woman, a fat woman gone vp
into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come
downe: I come to speake with her indeed
Host. Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd:
Ile call. Bully-Knight, Bully Sir Iohn: speake from thy
Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Host, thine
Fal. How now, mine Host?
Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming
downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let
her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fie, priuacy?
Fal. There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen
now with me, but she's gone
Simp. Pray you Sir, was't not the Wise-woman of
Fal. I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you
Simp. My Master (Sir) my master Slender, sent to her
seeing her go thorough the streets, to know (Sir) whether
one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chaine, had the
chaine, or no
Fal. I spake with the old woman about it
Sim. And what sayes she, I pray Sir?
Fal. Marry shee sayes, that the very same man that
beguil'd Master Slender of his Chaine, cozon'd him of it
Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman
her selfe, I had other things to haue spoken with her
too, from him
Fal. What are they? let vs know
Host. I: come: quicke
Fal. I may not conceale them (Sir.)
Host. Conceale them, or thou di'st
Sim. Why sir, they were nothing but about Mistris
Anne Page, to know if it were my Masters fortune to
haue her, or no
Fal. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune
Sim. What Sir?
Fal. To haue her, or no: goe; say the woman told
Sim. May I be bold to say so Sir?
Fal. I Sir: like who more bold
Sim. I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master
glad with these tydings
Host. Thou art clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn)
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal. I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught
me more wit, then euer I learn'd before in my life: and
I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning
Bar. Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage
Host. Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto
Bar. Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as
I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behinde
one of them, in a slough of myre; and set spurres, and
away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses
Host. They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine)
doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men
Euan. Where is mine Host?
Host. What is the matter Sir?
Euan. Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to Towne, tels mee there is three
Cozen-Iermans, that has cozend all the Hosts of Reading,
of Maidenhead; of Cole-brooke, of horses and money: I
tell you for good will (looke you) you are wise, and full
of gibes, and vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient
you should be cozoned. Fare you well
Cai. Ver' is mine Host de Iarteere?
Host. Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitie, and doubtfull
Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-me, dat
you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by
my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is know, to
come: I tell you for good will: adieu
Host. Huy and cry, (villaine) goe: assist me Knight, I
am vndone: fly, run: huy, and cry (villaine) I am vndone
Fal. I would all the world might be cozond, for I
haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come
to the eare of the Court, how I haue beene transformed;
and how my transformation hath beene washd, and
cudgeld, they would melt mee out of my fat drop by
drop, and liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as
crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'd, since I
forswore my selfe at Primero: well, if my winde were
but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come
Qui. From the two parties forsooth
Fal. The Diuell take one partie, and his Dam the
other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd
more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy
of mans disposition is able to beare
Qui. And haue not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; speciously
one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten
blacke and blew, that you cannot see a white spot about
Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blacke, and blew? I
was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow:
and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch
of Braineford, but that my admirable dexteritie of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd
me, the knaue Constable had set me ith' Stocks, ith' common
Stocks, for a Witch
Qu, Sir: let me speake with you in your Chamber,
you shall heare how things goe, and (I warrant) to your
content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts)
what adoe here is to bring you together? Sure,
one of you do's not serue heauen well, that you are so
Fal. Come vp into my Chamber.
Enter Fenton, Host.
Host. Master Fenton, talke not to mee, my minde is
heauy: I will giue ouer all
Fen. Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose,
And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee
A hundred pound in gold, more then your losse
Host. I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at
the least) keepe your counsell
Fen. From time to time, I haue acquainted you
With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page,
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
(So farre forth, as her selfe might be her chooser)
Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her
Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof, so larded with my matter,
That neither (singly) can be manifested
Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe
Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest
Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:)
To night at Hernes-Oke, iust 'twixt twelue and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene:
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise
While other Iests are something ranke on foote,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him, at Eaton
Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir,
Her Mother, (euen strong against that match
And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their mindes,
And at the Deanry, where a Priest attends
Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot
She seemingly obedient) likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor: Now, thus it rests,
Her Father meanes she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her goe,
She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended
(The better to deuote her to the Doctor;
For they must all be mask'd, and vizarded)
That quaint in greene, she shall be loose en-roab'd,
With Ribonds-pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
The maid hath giuen consent to go with him
Host. Which meanes she to deceiue? Father, or Mother
Fen. Both (my good Host) to go along with me:
And heere it rests, that you'l procure the Vicar
To stay for me at Church, 'twixt twelue, and one,
And in the lawfull name of marrying,
To giue our hearts vnited ceremony
Host. Well, husband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar,
Bring you the Maid, you shall not lacke a Priest
Fen. So shall I euermore be bound to thee;
Besides, Ile make a present recompence.
Actus Quintus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Falstoffe, Quickly, and Ford.
Fal. Pre'thee no more pratling: go, Ile hold, this is
the third time: I hope good lucke lies in odde numbers:
Away, go, they say there is Diuinity in odde Numbers,
either in natiuity, chance, or death: away
Qui. Ile prouide you a chaine, and Ile do what I can
to get you a paire of hornes
Fall. Away I say, time weares, hold vp your head &
mince. How now M[aster]. Broome? Master Broome, the matter
will be knowne to night, or neuer. Bee you in the
Parke about midnight, at Hernes-Oake, and you shall
Ford. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told
me you had appointed?
Fal. I went to her (Master Broome) as you see, like a
poore-old-man, but I came from her (Master Broome)
like a poore-old-woman; that same knaue (Ford hir husband)
hath the finest mad diuell of iealousie in him (Master
Broome) that euer gouern'd Frensie. I will tell you,
he beate me greeuously, in the shape of a woman: (for in
the shape of Man (Master Broome) I feare not Goliath
with a Weauers beame, because I know also, life is a
Shuttle) I am in hast, go along with mee, Ile tell you all
(Master Broome:) since I pluckt Geese, plaide Trewant,
and whipt Top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten, till
lately. Follow mee, Ile tell you strange things of this
knaue Ford, on whom to night I will be reuenged, and I
will deliuer his wife into your hand. Follow, straunge
things in hand (M[aster]. Broome) follow.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender.
Page. Come, come: wee'll couch i'th Castle-ditch,
till we see the light of our Fairies. Remember son Slender,
Slen. I forsooth, I haue spoke with her, & we haue
a nay-word, how to know one another. I come to her
in white, and cry Mum; she cries Budget, and by that
we know one another
Shal. That's good too: But what needes either your
Mum, or her Budget? The white will decipher her well
enough. It hath strooke ten a' clocke
Page. The night is darke, Light and Spirits will become
it wel: Heauen prosper our sport. No man means
euill but the deuill, and we shal know him by his hornes.
Lets away: follow me.
Enter Mist.Page, Mist.Ford, Caius.
Mist.Page. Mr Doctor, my daughter is in green, when
you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her
to the Deanerie, and dispatch it quickly: go before into
the Parke: we two must go together
Cai. I know vat I haue to do, adieu
Mist.Page. Fare you well (Sir:) my husband will not
reioyce so much at the abuse of Falstaffe, as he will chafe
at the Doctors marrying my daughter: But 'tis no matter;
better a little chiding, then a great deale of heartbreake
Mist.Ford. Where is Nan now? and her troop of Fairies?
and the Welch-deuill Herne?
Mist.Page. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Hernes
Oake, with obscur'd Lights; which at the very instant
of Falstaffes and our meeting, they will at once display to
Mist.Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him
Mist.Page. If he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd: If
he be amaz'd, he will euery way be mock'd
Mist.Ford. Wee'll betray him finely
Mist.Page. Against such Lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them, do no treachery
Mist.Ford. The houre drawes-on: to the Oake, to the
Enter Euans and Fairies.
Euans. Trib, trib Fairies: Come, and remember your
parts: be pold (I pray you) follow me into the pit, and
when I giue the watch-'ords, do as I pid you: Come,
come, trib, trib.
Enter Falstaffe, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, Euans, Anne Page,
Page, Ford, Quickly, Slender, Fenton, Caius, Pistoll.
Fal. The Windsor-bell hath stroke twelue: the Minute
drawes-on: Now the hot-bloodied-Gods assist me:
Remember Ioue, thou was't a Bull for thy Europa, Loue
set on thy hornes. O powerfull Loue, that in some respects
makes a Beast a Man: in som other, a Man a beast.
You were also (Iupiter) a Swan, for the loue of Leda: O
omnipotent Loue, how nere the God drew to the complexion
of a Goose: a fault done first in the forme of a
beast, (O Ioue, a beastly fault:) and then another fault,
in the semblance of a Fowle, thinke on't (Ioue) a fowle-fault.
When Gods haue hot backes, what shall poore
men do? For me, I am heere a Windsor Stagge, and the
fattest (I thinke) i'th Forrest. Send me a coole rut-time
(Ioue) or who can blame me to pisse my Tallow? Who
comes heere? my Doe?
M.Ford. Sir Iohn? Art thou there (my Deere?)
Fal. My Doe, with the blacke Scut? Let the skie
raine Potatoes: let it thunder, to the tune of Greenesleeues,
haile-kissing Comfits, and snow Eringoes: Let
there come a tempest of prouocation, I will shelter mee
M.Ford. Mistris Page is come with me (sweet hart.)
Fal. Diuide me like a brib'd-Bucke, each a Haunch:
I will keepe my sides to my selfe, my shoulders for the
fellow of this walke; and my hornes I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a Woodman, ha? Speake I like Herne
the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience,
he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome
M.Page. Alas, what noise?
M.Ford. Heauen forgiue our sinnes
Fal. What should this be?
M.Ford. M.Page. Away, away
Fal. I thinke the diuell wil not haue me damn'd,
Least the oyle that's in me should set hell on fire;
He would neuer else crosse me thus.
Qui. Fairies blacke, gray, greene, and white,
You Moone-shine reuellers, and shades of night.
You Orphan heires of fixed destiny,
Attend your office, and your quality.
Crier Hob-goblyn, make the Fairy Oyes
Pist. Elues, list your names: Silence you aiery toyes.
Cricket, to Windsor-chimnies shalt thou leape;
Where fires thou find'st vnrak'd, and hearths vnswept,
There pinch the Maids as blew as Bill-berry,
Our radiant Queene, hates Sluts, and Sluttery
Fal. They are Fairies, he that speaks to them shall die,
Ile winke, and couch: No man their workes must eie
Eu. Wher's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleepe has thrice her prayers said,
Raise vp the Organs of her fantasie,
Sleepe she as sound as carelesse infancie,
But those as sleepe, and thinke not on their sins,
Pinch them armes, legs, backes, shoulders, sides, & shins
Qu. About, about:
Search Windsor Castle (Elues) within, and out.
Strew good lucke (Ouphes) on euery sacred roome,
That it may stand till the perpetuall doome,
In state as wholsome, as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the Owner, and the Owner it.
The seuerall Chaires of Order, looke you scowre
With iuyce of Balme; and euery precious flowre,
Each faire Instalment, Coate, and seu'rall Crest,
With loyall Blazon, euermore be blest.
And Nightly-meadow-Fairies, looke you sing
Like to the Garters-Compasse, in a ring
Th' expressure that it beares: Greene let it be,
More fertile-fresh then all the Field to see:
And, Hony Soit Qui Maly-Pence, write
In Emrold-tuffes, Flowres purple, blew, and white,
Like Saphire-pearle, and rich embroiderie,
Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee;
Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie.
Away, disperse: But till 'tis one a clocke,
Our Dance of Custome, round about the Oke
Of Herne the Hunter, let vs not forget
Euan. Pray you lock hand in hand: your selues in order set:
And twenty glow-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee
To guide our Measure round about the Tree.
But stay, I smell a man of middle earth
Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy,
Least he transforme me to a peece of Cheese
Pist. Vilde worme, thou wast ore-look'd euen in thy
Qu. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end:
If he be chaste, the flame will backe descend
And turne him to no paine: but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted hart
Pist. A triall, come
Eua. Come: will this wood take fire?
Fal. Oh, oh, oh
Qui. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire.
About him (Fairies) sing a scornfull rime,
And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
Fie on sinnefull phantasie: Fie on Lust, and Luxurie:
Lust is but a bloudy fire, kindled with vnchaste desire,
Fed in heart whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him (Fairies) mutually: Pinch him for his villanie.
Pinch him, and burne him, and turne him about,
Till Candles, & Star-light, & Moone-shine be out
Page. Nay do not flye, I thinke we haue watcht you
now: Will none but Herne the Hunter serue your
M.Page. I pray you come, hold vp the iest no higher.
Now (good Sir Iohn) how like you Windsor wiues?
See you these husband? Do not these faire yoakes
Become the Forrest better then the Towne?
Ford. Now Sir, whose a Cuckold now?
Mr Broome, Falstaffes a Knaue, a Cuckoldly knaue,
Heere are his hornes Master Broome:
And Master Broome, he hath enioyed nothing of Fords,
but his Buck-basket, his cudgell, and twenty pounds of
money, which must be paid to Mr Broome, his horses are
arrested for it, Mr Broome
M.Ford. Sir Iohn, we haue had ill lucke: wee could
neuer meete: I will neuer take you for my Loue againe,
but I will alwayes count you my Deere
Fal. I do begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse
Ford. I, and an Oxe too: both the proofes are extant
Fal. And these are not Fairies:
I was three or foure times in the thought they were not
Fairies, and yet the guiltinesse of my minde, the sodaine
surprize of my powers, droue the grossenesse of the foppery
into a receiu'd beleefe, in despight of the teeth of
all rime and reason, that they were Fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Iacke-a-Lent, when 'tis vpon ill
Euans. Sir Iohn Falstaffe, serue Got, and leaue your
desires, and Fairies will not pinse you
Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh
Euans. And leaue you your iealouzies too, I pray
Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againe, till thou
art able to woo her in good English
Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sun, and dri'de it,
that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as
this? Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too? Shal I haue
a Coxcombe of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a
peece of toasted Cheese
Eu. Seese is not good to giue putter; your belly is al
Fal. Seese, and Putter? Haue I liu'd to stand at the
taunt of one that makes Fritters of English? This is enough
to be the decay of lust and late-walking through
Mist.Page. Why Sir Iohn, do you thinke though wee
would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head
and shoulders, and haue giuen our selues without scruple
to hell, that euer the deuill could haue made you our
Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?
Mist.Page. A puft man?
Page. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intollerable entrailes?
Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Sathan?
Page. And as poore as Iob?
Ford. And as wicked as his wife?
Euan. And giuen to Fornications, and to Tauernes,
and Sacke, and Wine, and Metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings, and starings? Pribles and prables?
Fal. Well, I am your Theame: you haue the start of
me, I am deiected: I am not able to answer the Welch
Flannell, Ignorance it selfe is a plummet ore me, vse me
as you will
Ford. Marry Sir, wee'l bring you to Windsor to one
Mr Broome, that you haue cozon'd of money, to whom
you should haue bin a Pander: ouer and aboue that you
haue suffer'd, I thinke, to repay that money will be a biting
Page. Yet be cheerefull Knight: thou shalt eat a posset
to night at my house, wher I will desire thee to laugh
at my wife, that now laughes at thee: Tell her Mr Slender
hath married her daughter
Mist.Page. Doctors doubt that;
If Anne Page be my daughter, she is (by this) Doctour
Slen. Whoa hoe, hoe, Father Page
Page. Sonne? How now? How now Sonne,
Haue you dispatch'd?
Slen. Dispatch'd? Ile make the best in Glostershire
know on't: would I were hang'd la, else
Page. Of what sonne?
Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne
Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not bene
i'th Church, I would haue swing'd him, or hee should
haue swing'd me. If I did not thinke it had beene Anne
Page, would I might neuer stirre, and 'tis a Post-masters
Page. Vpon my life then, you tooke the wrong
Slen. What neede you tell me that? I think so, when
I tooke a Boy for a Girle: If I had bene married to him,
(for all he was in womans apparrell) I would not haue
Page. Why this is your owne folly,
Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter,
By her garments?
Slen. I went to her in greene, and cried Mum, and
she cride budget, as Anne and I had appointed, and yet
it was not Anne, but a Post-masters boy
Mist.Page. Good George be not angry, I knew of
your purpose: turn'd my daughter into white, and indeede
she is now with the Doctor at the Deanrie, and
Cai. Ver is Mistris Page: by gar I am cozoned, I ha
married oon Garsoon, a boy; oon pesant, by gar. A boy,
it is not An Page, by gar, I am cozened
M.Page. Why? did you take her in white?
Cai. I bee gar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, Ile raise all
Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
Page. My heart misgiues me, here comes Mr Fenton.
How now Mr Fenton?
Anne. Pardon good father, good my mother pardon
Page. Now Mistris:
How chance you went not with Mr Slender?
M.Page. Why went you not with Mr Doctor, maid?
Fen. You do amaze her: heare the truth of it,
You would haue married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in loue:
The truth is, she and I (long since contracted)
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs:
Th' offence is holy, that she hath committed,
And this deceit looses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or vnduteous title,
Since therein she doth euitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed houres
Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her
Ford. Stand not amaz'd, here is no remedie:
In Loue, the heauens themselues do guide the state,
Money buyes Lands, and wiues are sold by fate
Fal. I am glad, though you haue tane a special stand
to strike at me, that your Arrow hath glanc'd
Page. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heauen giue thee
ioy, what cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd
Fal. When night-dogges run, all sorts of Deere are
Mist.Page. Well, I will muse no further: Mr Fenton,
Heauen giue you many, many merry dayes:
Good husband, let vs euery one go home,
And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire,
Sir Iohn and all
Ford. Let it be so (Sir Iohn:)
To Master Broome, you yet shall hold your word,
For he, to night, shall lye with Mistris Ford:
FINIS. THE Merry Wiues of Windsor.